It’s been a while since I wrote a letter like this, and I understand that you primarily take requests from children, but I have a lot on my mind this year and I thought I might as well take a shot by sending you a good old-fashioned Christmas list. These aren’t the kinds of things that can fit into a stocking or a brightly wrapped box. No, like most grown-ups’ Christmas lists, mine is full of intangibles. And before you crumple this up and throw it out, I’ll tell you I’m not asking for peace on Earth. I know that’s impossible, or else it would manifest like it did in that one Simpsons episode where peace meant everyone on Earth had died. I’m not asking you to change the nature of humanity, nor do I expect you have the power to tinker with the clockwork of world or local politics, any individual human heart or the nature of groupthink. My requests are much more selfish than that. Because while I know you’re not a miracle worker on the grand scale, I’ve got to hope there are some sparks of magic in that sack of yours, and I could certainly use a little magic this year.
So. The list (with lots of pleases and thank yous):
- A nap. A long one, if possible, and with good dreams–preferably involving Benedict Cumberbatch.
- Two good naps for the baby. Long, restful, and resulting in a smiley, happy girl.
- Also a good night’s sleep for everybody. Really, just sleep in general. Talk to that fairy from Sleeping Beauty, maybe, and see if she’ll cast a spell.
- Failing that, make my kids sleep in. Till six o’clock at least.
- A back rub. Not that I’m expecting you to do it. Put a note in my husband’s stocking or something.
- A full hour in which no one is touching me, not even the dog or the cat.
- Make the boy poop in the potty. Or at least don’t make me change his poopy Pull-Up. Or just stop him up a little so he doesn’t poop until Boxing Day.
- No tantrums.
- No owies.
I know this list is long, and I don’t want to be greedy, so let’s just say choose three of these things. Two, even. And if you can only swing one, please don’t choose the wine. I have some of that in the pantry already.
Thanks a lot and Merry Christmas,