12 Gross Things You’ll Do Once You Have Children

dirt
Kids are filthy.

You’ll scoop a handful of goldfish out of the car seat and eat them–even if they’re a few days old.

You’ll lick your thumb and use it as a makeshift wet wipe to clean your child’s face.

You’ll get your nose right up in your kid’s business to she if he’s pooped his pants.

You’ll forget to clean your purse or diaper bag and carry a dirty diaper with you until it starts to rot.

You’ll eat whatever spit-soaked cracker/cheese stick/cookie your baby is shoving in your face.

You’ll go an entire day eating only what you can scrape off the high chair–preferably the tray, but the seat and foot rest are fair game, too.

You’ll obsess about someone else’s boogers and once you’ve managed to pick them, might end up wiping them on your jeans.

You’ll find sippy cups or bottles full of cottage cheese in your car and behind your couch.

You’ll walk around smelling of sour milk or formula without noticing it.

You’ll chase a small person with a wet wipe as poop dangles from its backside and possibly falls on your carpet.

You’ll get poop on your hands. Sometimes daily.

You will hold your child while he vomits, and though he’s soiled your blouse or your jeans, you’ll only hold him tighter.

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