I am always trying to improve myself, my life, my situation. Some people have told me that’s admirable, but the flip side is, I’m always full of self-criticism.
On New Year’s, my birthday, the first of the month–it seems there’s always a new resolution. The more frequently I make them, the more I realize two things:
- I’m not feeling particularly good about myself.
- I’m not following through.
Then there are times when I tell myself to let go–just do what you want to do. But then the house gets messy, the kids watch too much TV, and my weight shoots up. Contrary to expectations, I seem to be less happy doing what I want–at least, after a few weeks of doing what I want–than when I had self-control.
I want to do everything. I want to be good. I know it’s not possible–in the words of Sylvia Plath, “I am horribly limited”–but it’s Monday again and I’m making resolutions.